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Reut: Session Descriptions Couplehood |
- Batya and Amir |
“Two are Better than One” (but it’s still a lot of work!)
One main goal of the Reut pre-marriage seminar is to provide a much-needed safe space for marrying couples where they can discuss not only the wedding, but the marriage itself. Couples in this stage of their relationship often get so caught up in wedding plans that they neglect their relationship—which is, after all, the reason for all of that planning! Even worse, the tensions around planning a wedding can exacerbate already existing challenges in the relationship, or even cause new ones. With couples today more likely to divorce than to stay together, taking the time to strengthen the marital relationship is a wise precedent to establish right from the beginning—even before standing beneath the chuppah, the marriage canopy.
We at Reut consider the Couplehood section of the seminar so important that we made it the frame of the seminar. Not only that, but we made sure the topic of Couplehood maintains a thematic presence throughout. The three sessions devoted to this subject (at the opening and closing of the seminar) emphasize couple processing time, in which couples break off and explore (through guiding questions) their individual and joint concepts of self, home, togetherness, independence and the meaning of family. In addition, session facilitators teach practical tools for encouraging healthy communication, negotiating differences, and controlling full-blown conflict. Couples then take these newly learned tools and honed communication skills into the couple exercises and processing time that are an integral part of the other sessions in the seminar.
Developed and facilitated by certified psychologists, psychotherapists and social workers experienced in couple work, the Couplehood aspect of the Reut pre-marriage seminar promotes the "three Cs": Communication, Cooperation and Compromise. Reut presents a model of egalitarian marriage based on Jewish values—a perspective widely unavailable to the marrying public in Israel. We at Reut see this as a unique contribution to Jewish Israeli society, where the model of a successful Jewish marriage presented by the institutions in control of Jewish Israeli marriage is one of male dominance and female submission. Our belief is that while there is no one recipe for a "good marriage," modern couples can, with work, skills, and guidance, maintain a healthy egalitarian marriage based on honesty, openness, and sharing (in all meanings of the word).
Taking Ownership of Your Wedding
Designing and personalizing the wedding ceremony can be an experience that strengthens any engaged couple’s relationship. This exercise reinforces religious and ideological commonality and encourages the negotiation of religious and ideological difference. It can also be a wonderful opportunity for the couple to explore the significance of Jewish ritual in their vision for their marriage. Together, they create something of spiritual and emotional value that they can take pride in and remember throughout their marriage.
This session is one of the most enjoyable yet immediately applicable sessions of the seminar. Facilitated by a rabbi or Jewish educator, couples walk through the wedding day, step-by-step, in an effort to understand the historical and religious reasons behind the customs and structure of the wedding ceremony. As the group goes through this simulated journey, the facilitator shares ways to innovate and add personal flavor.
Using the traditional ceremony as a basis, Reut nevertheless promotes a pluralistic atmosphere through a multiplicity of ceremony options, lending legitimacy to all Jewish perspectives. A portion of the evening is devoted to discussing the unilateral nature of the traditional ceremony and suggesting ways to make the ceremony more egalitarian.
Realizing that a couple does not always have complete control over their own wedding, Reut also addresses the issue of family and social pressure in the planning of this highly charged event and suggests creative ways to manage conflicting desires. During processing time, couples are encouraged to explore together the importance of tradition vs. innovation, gender equality, and their level of participation in the planning of their ceremony and by extension their vision of their marriage.
By the end of the session, each couple emerges empowered to make their wedding ceremony and their entire religious life together their own.
Jewish Approaches to Marital Sex
A refreshing and informative alternative to the often traumatic and alienating experience brides are subjected to by the Israeli Rabbinate on the laws of sexual abstention tied to the woman’s menstrual cycle (commonly referred to as the laws of nidah or “Family Purity”), Reut's seminar on this topic is facilitated by Reut’s founding director, Haviva Ner-David, a female post-denominational rabbi with years of experience counseling a range of couples and women in this area. Having written her doctoral dissertation on nidah and mikveh, as well as various articles and essays, Rabbi Ner-David has a unique approach to introducing this often loaded topic into a couple’s relationship.
Starting with the traditional Jewish approach to this ancient Jewish practice, Reut facilitates text-based learning of the concept directly from the Torah and the Talmud. Dispelling myths spread by archaic “Family Purity” classes including threats of developing cervical cancer or having a mentally-retarded child for not keeping the laws scrupulously enough, Reut creates a positive encounter with this practice. Following a solid basis in the traditional approach, couples are presented with a range of observance (or non-observance) options.
Different than the classes required by the Rabbinate, Reut’s session on laws and rituals surrounding sexual abstention around menstruation is facilitated with no agenda other than to present Jewish couples with the knowledge to make an educated decision as to how and if they want to observe this set of laws. Another goal of this session is to stress to couples the importance of communication, cooperation, flexibility, and an open mind in this area of Jewish observance that can easily turn into a point of contention between a couple rather than the shared intimate ritual that it can be.
Couples are encouraged to discuss the options during “processing” time and to continue this discussion throughout their marriage, as their relationship and circumstances evolve over time. Reut sees this seminar as not only an important topic in and of itself, but also as a critical jumping-off point for couples to understand each other’s level of adherence to tradition and willingness to seek alternative practices.
Different Ways to "Be Fruitful"
There is no one way to create a Jewish family. Breaking the monolithic interpretation of “be fruitful and multiply,” Reut includes in this discussion birth control, infertility, adoption, and other not such popular topics in Israeli culture. Together, a social worker and Jewish educator or rabbi with expertise in family planning facilitate this seminar, addressing what it means to fulfill the commandment to raise a Jewish family.
During this session, couples are given time to discuss and share their individual expectations so they can form a joint vision for their future family. Often couples do not share their individual expectations in this area, which can later introduce tension when they start to build a family. When one spouse wants six children and one wants two, or when one spouse wants to adopt children and one wants biological children, or when one spouse does not want to use birth control and the other does, conflict arises. If the couple addresses this issue at least theoretically before they get married, groundwork will be set for their more extensive and immediate discussion when the time comes.
In addition, couples are encouraged during this session, with the aid of guiding questions and exercises, to discuss the possibility that even if they share a joint vision, that vision may not be realistic. Often couples are not aware of how common infertility is, or of the effectiveness levels of different forms of birth control. One main goal of this session, therefore, is to create a space for couples to begin to address these issues that are often avoided until there is no choice.
The Secret Relationship Behind the Relationship
Approximately 40% of divorcees cite financial disagreements as either the main or a main reason for the breakup of their marriage. In response, Reut designed a session devoted to the topic of fiscal health in marriage, in which what is emphasized is the importance of family financial management and transparency around money in marriage. Facilitated by a financial coach who specializes in family budgeting and debt management, this session is a vital first step towards starting off the marriage on the right foot in relation to finances.
Many of the concepts that Reut stresses in this session—making responsible decisions around money, giving while also taking care of yourself and your family--come directly from Jewish tradition. We at Reut believe that marriage and setting up a Jewish home offer a wonderful opportunity to begin to take Jewish values around money seriously--together, as a couple.
During this seminar, couples learn the importance of clear communication and openness about finances as a solid basis for a life of financial health. Couples examine their associations to, fears of, and concerns about money in both a group and couple setting. In addition, the facilitator shares practical tools--such as how to build a realistic budget--and helpful tips--such as advice on savings plans and low-interest loans. Resources are also available on bigger questions like whether it makes more sense to rent or buy a home, what financial issues to consider when deciding to build a family, whether it pays to invest and save early on, and other similar pressing issues for couples starting out.
The Reality of (Legally) Marrying in Israel
No couple wants to think about divorce when planning a wedding. Yet, living in a State where marriage and divorce are controlled by ultra-Orthodox policy-makers, we at Reut believe it essential that marrying couples understand the legalities and implications of marrying and divorcing in Israel. Many couples during this time of excitement and preparation intentionally avoid or unintentionally neglect these challenging issues which, when a marriage fails, can come back to haunt them. It is better for couples to enter into marriage wiser and well informed, even if it means bringing them down a bit from the clouds. Therefore, Reut dedicates an entire seminar evening to the legal implications of marrying in Israel, prenuptial agreements and alternative options to marrying through the Israeli Rabbinate.
The facilitator of the Legalities session is an Israeli marriage and divorce lawyer, as well as a certified pleader in the Rabbinic courts, experienced in drawing up prenuptial agreements and navigating both the rabbinic and civil court systems in Israel. She describes the depressing reality of the Israeli marriage/divorce system and empowers couples with some options of how they can attempt to counteract the system or at least make their voice-of-resistance heard. Presenting couples with an array of prenuptial agreements developed by both Orthodox and non-Orthodox streams, the facilitator also touches upon alternative options for marrying outside of the Israeli Rabbinic system—fielding tough questions on the merits and drawbacks of all options. At the end of the lecture and discussion, couples have time to reflect (with the help of guiding questions) on the disconcerting yet essential information they received in the course of the session and consider or reconsider signing a pre-nuptial agreement or even marrying outside of the Israeli Rabbinate all together.
The Rabbis in the Talmud talked about sex, so why shouldn’t we? If it’s okay for married couples to have sex, why can’t they talk about it? We at Reut believe that not only can married couples talk to each other about sex, but they should talk about it—for a variety of reasons that become apparent throughout the course of this final session of the seminar.
Reut’s Sexuality workshop focuses on the importance of sexuality as an expression of intimacy and love in a relationship—an idea Nachmanides himself wrote about in the Middle Ages. Sexuality can be an expression of playfulness, spirituality, physical closeness and a deep emotional connection. Sexuality is a way of being in a world obsessed with doing. Often, sexuality is able to give people a feeling of renewed strength and connection. Sometimes, however, it functions as a particularly sensitive indicator of difficulties in a relationship. In this session, a professional sex therapist with years of experience counseling couples discusses issues that cause sexual dysfunction and how gender differences, if not understood, can complicate these issues even more.
At the beginning of the session, the facilitator puts couples at ease by explaining that no one will be asked to reveal anything he or she is not comfortable sharing with the group. On the other hand, what participants are asked to do is share with their partners. Too often couples have sex but don’t talk about sex. While making love can bring a couple closer, talking about making love can bring them even closer—not to mention improve their sex life.
During the course of this session, the facilitator talks candidly about myths around sexuality that if not dispelled can set a couple up for disappointment if not sexual difficulties. Another important aspect of this session, which is purposely situated at the end of the series before the final concluding Couplehood session, is time set aside for couples to work privately in order to facilitate open communication about expectations and fears around sexuality. After having gone through this intense two-month journey together, culminating in open communication between partners around even the taboo subject of sexuality, Reut couples feel more emotionally and practically equipped to begin their larger amazing journey of a life together.
Reut
taught us that it’s not a bad thing to talk about money – we’re not
inhibited any more by the subject, and that is something very
important that we took from the seminar.